Top 10 Most Disturbing Nintendo Commercials,
You know, old video game commercials are probably the thing I wax the most nostalgic about. Sure, they were often cheesier than your average 80′s sitcom and they often told you very little, if anything, about the game in question. These old commercials seemed like they existed in a world all their own… and sometimes that world could get pretty dang disturbing. Still, however misguided or messed-up these commercials could get, they still did the job of leaving an impact on consumers. So hug your blanket and keep your doors locked, as we count down the top ten most disturbing Nintendo Commercials. Why Nintendo? Because if I had to go through the entire console war of the 90′s, this list would have over 100 entries.
10. Banjo Kazooie – Fire Camp Commercial
As always, let’s start the list with one of the less powerful examples. At first, this commercial doesn’t seem too bad; it has some gameplay and the sight of a full-sized bear being carried by a regular-sized bird is pretty funny. However, here’s something to chew on: this strange amalgamation of bear and bird isn’t the same Banjo and Kazooie we know and love (I didn’t hear Banjo’s trademark laugh or see a single Jiggy). This is some strange bear and bird that stalk people through the woods, carrying them off to god-knows-where. I’m just saying, I think that guy is about to become bear chow and his friends are next.
9. Kirby’s Dream Land – Kirby Eats Dashing Super Guy
Ah man, Kirby’s Dream Land! This game was so awesome! Remember when the cover of the box and all of the promotional art had Kirby colored white? Ha, the trailer has a parody of the 90′s anti-heroes we had at the time and Kirby’s slurping him up to turn him into a star. Some people say Kirby is pretty disturbing with the way he eats enemies but come on, enemies respawn as soon as you go off-screen, so it’s not like Kirby is eating them alive. Look, here it comes!
Oh my god, DID KIRBY JUST SPIT OUT THAT GUY’S SEVERED HEAD? No, no, besides, Dashing Super Guy’s arm is holding a Game Boy at the end… unless Kirby spat that up too and he’s using it as an impromptu reacher. Still, this is white Kirby, not the pink Kirby we know and love. I’m sure everyone’s favorite puffball won’t end up on this list again.
As an aside, was the ending of the commercial, where Kirby was wearing Dashing Guy’s glasses, predicting Kirby’s copy ability (which first appeared in Kirby’s Adventure, a game that came out three years later)?
8. Star Fox 64 – How Nintendo Tests its Products
Oh man! This kid got to test Star Fox 64 and the rumble pack before everyone. Kind of weird that they’re strapping him in but, hey, Nintendo must have its reasons. Aww dude, this kid is being blown away and now he even gets to experience the rumble pack. Man, that was such a cool add-on back in the day. So kid, what did you think? Kid? Kid? Did that kid just die from experiencing too much awesome? How many kids were in that chair before him? Does Nintendo test all of its products by just shoving gamers in front of them, even if they could have seizures or possibly die?
Then again, if I’d been given the chance to play Star Fox 64 before anyone else… I’d have risked it.
7. Kirby’s Dream Land 2 Kirby Kills a Guy
Before I begin screaming at the horror of watching Kirby slurp down a biker (not copying him or turning him into a star) who hadn’t done anything aside from existing, let me note two things:
1. Tony Jay’s voice being in this commercial, even for a couple seconds, is awesome.
2. Why does Kirby have teeth? Is this secretly the Kirby who would later do a Hannibal Lecter impression in There Will be Brawl?
With that out of the way: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Now hopefully, this will be the last time that Kirby makes it on this list.
6. Yoshi’s Island – The American Mr. Creosote
“We need to come up with an ad campaign for this new game that has cute graphics, great gameplay, and one of Nintendo’s most beloved mascots.”
“Let’s blow up a fat guy.”
“Yeah, it’s a representation of how jam-packed the game is with content. We stuff a guy so full of food that he blows up in an explosion of viscera and half-digested junk food that covers everyone in the restaurant he’s eating at.”
“Isn’t our target audience kids?”
“Yeah, between this and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles roiding out (seriously, TMNT got weird towards the end), we’ll have those little creeps terrified of waking up on Saturday Morning.”
“I love you, Bill.”
5. Majora’s Mask – Japanese Commercial
You shouldn’t have done that.