The Alien franchise is many things to many people. It’s arguably one of the most beloved sci-fi horror series, but it also contains one of film’s greatest sequels. The sense of escalation between 1979′s Alien and 1986′s Aliens is such that it transcends the borders of genre, a feat that few (if any) intellectual properties have been able to replicate. Therein lies the immense difficulty in producing a canonical sequel to James Cameron’s movie–the balance between a terrifying atmosphere and outbursts of military violence is so fragile that a single misstep is disastrous.

The solution? Don’t even try.

There’s no point in beating around the bush: the campaign of Colonial Marines is unsalvageable. Its failings are myriad, but their essence can be captured within the first few minutes of gameplay. In fact, the first xenomorph encounter tells you everything you need to know about the experience. Not only did the creature somehow fail to kill my marine in close-quarters combat, but then it ran through a wall, before suddenly freezing in place. Shooting the poor thing caused it to scream and spray acid blood, but it literally couldn’t escape the poor quality of the game.

surprise back massage!

You could fill an entire review with just the technical failings of the single-player mode. The texture pop-in is so bad that it becomes hilarious. Surfaces that do manage to render correctly (after plenty of poorly disguised loading) are still embarrassing to the point of breaking immersion. Everone–man and xeno alike-moves with awkward stiffness, making even the most straight-forward encounter into unintentional comedy. If characters aren’t teleporting around the environment then they are clipping through it. Then there’s the weird freeze frame effect that happens upon player death–nothing is goofier than an uncomfortably posed H. R. Giger monster.

Set aside the embarrassing textures, the stiff animations, and all of the other technical failings though. The real tragedy of Aliens: Colonial Marines lies at its most basic foundation. This IP does not mesh well with a modern military first-person shooter. A single xenomorph is an engine of destruction that strikes fear into the hearts of hardened soldiers. A game which requires you to mow down hundreds of them is fundamentally missing the appeal of the titular creature. There is no fear here, and the shooting is amateur at best. What you’re left with is a title that comes off as downright disrespectful to its source material, despite its stated reverence.

See? This was in the movie! Do you love us yet?

The actual plot of Colonial Marines rests somewhere between “terrible” and “unforgivable.” Plot points from the established lore are ignored, while brand new twists are thrown in that spit in the faces of characters we love. It’s difficult to discuss without spoiling the entire story, but you will absolutely hate this title if you love the film series. Strangely, some of the characters seem to be self-aware about this fact. A few different marines question the absurdity of the developments around them, to which they are (essentially) told, “Don’t think about it.”

Of course, there is a metric ton of fan-service littered throughout the mercifully short campaign. Everything from classic weapons to the iconic motion tracker make an appearance, although the line between homage and ticking boxes on a checklist becomes blurry very quickly. Perhaps the most egregious instance of ill-conceived pandering is the inclusion of power loaders. The result is the diametric opposite of the intended power fantasy, as you are left feeling like a passive spectator in a game that doesn’t really want you there. The flamethrower is great though, especially in multiplayer.

Space marines are a notoriously deaf bunch.

The competitive suite is noticeably better than the single-player offering, if for no other reason than the absence of broken artificial intelligence. There are 4 different gameplay modes: Team Deathmatch, Extermination, Escape, and Survivor. The first is self-explanatory, but the next three are interesting and worthwhile endeavors on paper. Extermination sees the marines on a search-and-destroy mission against xenomorph nests, with the alien team on the defensive. Survivor inverts this, with aliens attempting to wipe out a dwindling outpost of soldiers. Escape is a Left 4 Dead-style competition which tasks the xeno team with stopping the marines from reaching the other side of a linear map.

Nothing in multiplayer is as immediately deplorable as the campaign, but its flaws do become apparent with time. First of all, the weapon unlock and progression system is trying far too hard to be like Call of Duty. Even worse, the rank-up mechanic carries over into the single-player, so that any tension that may have accidentally found its way into your Alien experience is immediately shattered by an obnoxious “Rank Up!” icon. Perhaps more loathsome is the third-person perspective assigned to xenomorph players. Say what you will about the quality of Rebellion’s Aliens vs. Predator, but at least that game made you feel like an invisible killing machine.

Trying to escape? I know that feel, space vaginas.

I feel bad for Gearbox Software. First they fail to salvage the infamous vaporware that is Duke Nukem Forever after 15 years in development. Then they went and anchored themselves to the Colonial Marines concept for 7 years. Long development cycles are not this company’s friend. On the plus side, maybe they can escape some of the blame here. After all, Randy Pitchford recently said that TimeGate Studios did about a quarter of the work, although “if you take pre-production out of it, their effort’s probably equivalent to ours.”

… or maybe that makes it worse. I can’t tell anymore.

A copy of the game was provided by the publisher for review purposes and was completed in about 5 hours, with an additional 5 hours spent with the multiplayer suite. The title was played on PS3, but is also available for Xbox 360, Wii U, and PC.

Also, follow me on Twitter @austinyorski (please).

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