Theatrhythm is as difficult to summarize as it is to pronounce. Perhaps the simplest way would be to simply say it’s Elite Beat Agents with Final Fantasy characters, but that’s a little too obscure to serve as a satisfactory explanation. Guitar Hero: Nobuo Uematsu Edition is another descriptor that comes to mind, but it’s not quite accurate enough. Simply put, Theatrhythm Final Fantasy is a game in which you listen to music from Square Enix’s venerable RPG series, but don’t have time to admire the accompanying chibi sprites because you’re too busy tapping the touchscreen.

The ostensible premise of this ludicrously titled piece of software is that the conflict between Cosmos and Chaos, the two deities from the Dissidia crossover games, is still raging ever onward. Luckily for our time and place displaced heroes, the power of “Rhythmia” can help restore balance and peace to the land. How can our intrepid adventurers gather Rythmia and save the world? By re-enacting the greatest musical moments in Final Fantasy history, of course!

In case you didn’t catch it, the plot of the game is so asinine that it seems more like intentional self-parody. Let us never speak of it again.

You will play this first. Don't lie.

As a rhythm game, TFF tasks you with tapping, sliding, and holding the stylus down on your touchscreen in time with the soundtrack. Gameplay is broken down into three main types: overworld exploration, battles, and cinematics. None of these things resemble their RPG counterparts, obviously, but they do slightly change the way in which certain mechanics function. For example, in overworld segments the notes flow from left to right, and you must tap the screen as they enter the correct zone. During cinematic sections a reticule will snake its way around the screen and you have to tap whenever a note pops up in front of it.

At its core, this is a simple game. You pick from among the first 13 numbered main games and play through three of its most iconic songs while familiar places, faces, and characters fill the background. There’s a challenge mode where you can replay individual songs to your heart’s content, racking up high scores and unlocking various trophies and collectibles. Eventually you farm enough Rythmia and trigger a final challenge and voila: end credits.

Cute, right?

Unfortunately, I have a laundry list of complaints with the experience. First and foremost, in an apparent effort to be more “Final Fantasy-y,” the game is saddled with incredibly superfluous RPG elements, including a level up system, item, and equipment. These facets aren’t incredibly important or complicated, but they do represent a lack of understanding on indieszero’s part about what makes a rhythm game work. It’s cute that failing a song can be fixed if you equipped a Phoenix Down, but I would trade all of the loot and party management in the whole game if it meant cutting down on the number of menus I had to wade through to hear “One-Winged Angel.”

When you’re absorbed in the gameplay, Theatrhythm is a blast. I got chills when “Terra’s Theme” kicked in and I waxed nostalgic over my childhood memories as they flashed before me on screen. There are even adorable little chibi sprites of the most popular enemies to squee over, if you’re into that sort of thing. However, because of the nature of the game, you probably won’t get to soak in quite as much of the sights as you would hope. You’ll often be too busy tapping away to check out every Tonberry, and when all is said and done, each grassy field your characters walk through looks just about the same. Most strangely, the game randomly generates things for your party to say before each song, resulting in disturbing spambot-speak instead of faithful references or Dissidia-esque fanservice.

We get this, but no "Aria di Mezzo Carattere?" Bite me.

Theatrhythm Final Fantasy straddles the line between celebrating a tradition of quality and a masturbatory victory lap. To be fair though, if there is any series that has earned a bit of onanism it’s this behemoth. Hopefully, if Square truly decides to make this its own franchise then it will put more work into making Theatrhythm Dragon Quest, et al. a true compendium of its greatest tunes, and not bog it down in unnecessary mechanics. If nothing else, they should really do everything they can to fit all the songs on the cartridge. Having over 50 tracks of downloadable content is ridiculously unfair to the fans who paid full retail price for what should have been a complete tour of Final Fantasy music history.

It’s interesting to me that this is even a full 3DS release. Given its simple touch controls it could have easily been a more modestly priced mobile game. Also, the actual 3D effects available bring little to nothing to the table. If you’ve played every game in the series like I have, you might find the experience just novel enough to warrant checking out. However, those not already huge fans of Final Fantasy would be much better served by spending their $40 on getting around to playing the better games in the franchise or just picking up the soundtracks on iTunes. Fair warning though: only the first nine are all Uematsu. Listen to everything made afterward at your own risk.

A copy of the game was purchased from a retailer for review purposes and played to completion in about 8 hours. The title is a 3DS exclusive.

Also, follow me on Twitter @austinyorski (please).

Theatrhythm Final Fantasy Review

By Austin Yorski

Square Enix has released a "Best of" album as a stand-alone game. Surprisingly, it's not half bad.